How can I silence my inner critic?

That annoying and upsetting voice that so often undermines your efforts doesn't even belong to you, but there's another one beneath it that could do with being heard.

Jun 18, 2025

Hello again. Thanks for coming back. Not everyone does when they start in therapy. Sometimes that’s because we both realise we’re not a good fit, and sometimes you didn’t even though I thought we might be, given time.

That’s OK, by the way. When and if you decide to go into therapy you deserve to do it with someone you feel comfortable with because, if you don’t, how are you going to manage when you reach the inevitable uncomfortable parts of the work?

This week, we’re dealing with a question about the inner critic. We all have one and we probably all sometimes have difficulty keeping it under control. One of the most helpful ways I learned to think about the critical voice that pipes up whenever I fail to meet my own or someone else’s standards was recognising it as having originated from someone other than me.

Let’s get going.

Question: ‘I struggle with imposter syndrome and when I feel inadequate, I get angry at myself which just makes everything worse. How can I break this cycle?’

Mostly, when I get a question about imposter syndrome it focuses on where it comes from and how it can be overcome, but yours strikes right at the heart of what it means to feel like you are "not enough." Your question illustrates that most often our fears of being an imposter don't come from outside of us but from within.

When you're struggling with a lack of confidence and your response to yourself is to get angry and insulting, it's not surprising that it makes you worse. So I have questions for you.

Whose voice is it that you hear in your head?

Who does it remind you of or where have you heard that voice before?

Your instinctive response might be that it's yours, but I don't think it is. You've learned to listen to that voice and you've embodied it. It almost certainly comes from your past.

It could be:

The voice of a critical parent.
Some other influential figure who didn't give you enough encouragement and support.
The collective voice of bullies who convinced you that you're ‘not enough’.
Paradoxically, the voice of an over-supportive parent for whom everything was acceptable, meaning you never really learned the meaning of praise and achievement.

The Voice You're Not Listening To

There is another voice in you too, but it’s probably very quiet one. This is the voice you use when you support and encourage people you care about and love. This is your true voice, but you don't use it with yourself. I wonder why that is?

You need to turn up the volume on that little voice because that’s your true self, obscured by experiences you've had through your life.

Try this exercise: Imagine yourself as a small child. Perhaps you can visualize a picture of yourself when you were very young. Imagine that child being very frightened or worrying about something so much that it created sadness in them.

How do you feel about that child? Do you feel protective and loving, or do you feel irritated or ambivalent? Maybe you don’t feel anything at all.

If it's hard to feel empathy for this child, it's perhaps an illustration that there's something creating a disconnect between the way you're able to support others and the way you're able to support yourself. Maybe nobody modelled the empathy you’re finding it hard to offer yourself. Anyway, this is where your work is, and this is what therapy exists for.

Practical Steps to Change the Voice

The most valuable thing for you to work on is developing that kind and empathic voice. Next time you feel ‘inadequate’, see if you can find a different response to yourself. Use words you would use for someone else, even if at first they feel false, forced or awkward.

Even if you can't praise yourself, try to find neutral language that will at least avoid making things worse.

Ask yourself:

What would you like to hear when you're struggling?
What do you need?
Who from your life now or in the past might have offered you such words and support?

If you can identify someone, see if you can embody their voice and imagine them reminding you the best way to treat yourself when you're worried and stressed.

What happens to a frightened or worried child when someone is angry at them? Does it improve the situation? No, it makes them worse, right? They need to hear that it's OK, that everything will work out, and that even if something really has gone wrong, it won't be the end of the world.

A Daily Practice.

To help strengthen that little voice, start writing down at the end of each day a few things that have gone well or that you feel proud or pleased about. The more you do this, the more you'll balance out the feelings of inadequacy and irritation you feel at what you perceive as your deficiencies. Instead, you'll start to recognise that you also do things well, and they too deserve recognition.

The Deeper Work

None of this will replace the benefit you can get from proper therapy, and you’d benefit through being able to investigate how you developed this hyper-critical inner voice and, once you have done so, it will probably become easier to resist.

A client of mine, who grew up with a very critical father, took a novel approach to reminding himself how to ignore the internalised influence of his father. He stuck a photo of him on the dashboard or his car and, whenever he recognised his dad’s voice he looked at the picture and told him to piss off, which turned out to be cathartic in multiple ways. I’m not suggesting this as a helpful approach for you.

It's an irony that many people who could really benefit from talking through their feelings of self-worth don't go to therapy for no reason other than feeling unworthy.

You’re worth it and much more accomplished and capable than you sometimes believe yourself to be. That undermining voice is causing you to see yourself inaccurately, but it’s possible to change.

What voice do you hear when you're struggling? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.